How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk – Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
1. Full Citation
Faber, A. & Mazlish, E. (1980) How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. New York: Avon Books.
2. Introduction
Widely regarded as one of the most influential parenting books of the 20th century, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk offers an emotionally intelligent and communication-based approach to parenting. Rooted in humanistic psychology and experiential workshops, this practical guide helps parents foster cooperation, build respect, and manage conflict with empathy. This review evaluates the book’s legacy, methodology, and practical application across different family and educational settings.
3. Author Background and Credentials
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish were educators and parenting experts trained under Dr. Haim Ginott, a renowned psychologist and pioneer in child-centred communication. They led workshops for parents and professionals for over two decades, drawing from clinical experience and educational practice to develop communication strategies that respected both children’s and parents’ needs.
4. Summary of Contents
The book is structured into thematic chapters, each addressing a key area of parent-child interaction:
- Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings
- Acknowledges rather than dismisses emotions using active listening and empathy.
- Engaging Cooperation
- Replaces commands with descriptive language, choices, and respectful reminders.
- Alternatives to Punishment
- Encourages setting limits through problem-solving and natural consequences rather than punitive measures.
- Encouraging Autonomy
- Promotes decision-making, responsibility, and independence in age-appropriate ways.
- Praise and Self-Esteem
- Introduces descriptive praise to help children evaluate themselves honestly and constructively.
- Freeing Children from Roles
- Breaks down labelling (e.g., “the shy one”) to support self-growth.
Each chapter includes practical dialogues, illustrations, exercises, and summaries for easy recall and immediate use.
5. Critical Evaluation
a. Coherence and Argumentation
The book is logically structured and experientially grounded, leading readers step-by-step from foundational principles to practical implementation.
b. Originality and Intellectual Contribution
At publication, its ideas were groundbreaking: the emphasis on empathic communication and non-punitive discipline challenged traditional authoritarian parenting. Its legacy continues in modern child psychology and education.
c. Evidence, Sources, and Method
Although not an academic work with formal citations, the book draws heavily on the psychological insights of Haim Ginott and Carl Rogers, combining experiential insight with proven communication theory.
d. Style and Accessibility
The tone is friendly, compassionate, and highly practical. The use of cartoon dialogues and clear examples make it accessible to a wide audience, including busy parents and educators.
e. Limitations and Critiques
Some critiques centre on the book’s lack of cultural diversity in examples and occasional idealism in behavioural expectations. Nevertheless, its core principles are adaptable and widely endorsed across parenting styles.
6. Comparative Context
Faber and Mazlish’s work contrasts with:
- Behaviourist models (e.g., reward charts, punishment systems)
- Strict authoritarian methods which focus on control over dialogue
It aligns with:
- Attachment theory
- Gentle and respectful parenting models, such as those of Sarah Ockwell-Smith and Janet Lansbury
7. Thematic or Disciplinary Relevance
This book is highly relevant in parental education, communication studies, early childhood education, psychology, and counselling. It is widely used in parenting workshops and teacher training programmes for promoting emotional intelligence and relational skills.
8. Reflection or Practical Application
Parents and teachers often report immediate behavioural improvements when applying the book’s techniques. It has helped many move from conflict-driven interactions to collaborative problem-solving, increasing mutual respect in families.
9. Conclusion
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk remains a timeless, foundational resource for parenting with emotional clarity and mutual respect. Its simple yet powerful tools for communication have earned it enduring global acclaim.
Recommended for: Parents, educators, social workers, child psychologists, and anyone involved in relational caregiving or instruction.
10. Other Works by the Same Authors
- Siblings Without Rivalry – Addressing sibling dynamics through communication
- How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk – Adapts the same principles to adolescence
- Liberated Parents, Liberated Children – Earlier work elaborating on humanistic parenting principles
11. Similar Books by Other Authors
- Janet Lansbury – Elevating Child Care
- Sarah Ockwell-Smith – The Gentle Parenting Book
- Laura Markham – Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids
- Kim John Payne – Simplicity Parenting
12. References (only if external works are cited)
- Ginott, H. (1965) Between Parent and Child
- Rogers, C. (1961) On Becoming a Person